Monday, August 16, 2010

pregnant

(Note in July 2011 this post was linked to the first LLL game.)
I can’t blog


This unknown blogger walks into a bar....

Anyone know some good blogger jokes?

I get ideas from other blogs.  I also got an idea from a bag of chips once too.  You can get ideas from a dream.  You can get lottery numbers from a dream too but does mean they will be winners.

The other day Unknown Mami wrote:
“....If there was a pregnancy font, I would use it so that you could skip over those parts if you are not interested,...”

I commented:
“...a pregnancy font ?? I guess it would have enlarged 'b' letters that want to turn into 'z's. Also the 'p's would be overused....”

Since then I searched a little to find a pregancy font.  I didn’t find one but the “B” in the papyrus font has the shape I thought would be good for a pregnant font.  It has an extended abdomen part.

Here’s a silly sketch of what I mean:

So in addition to the descriptive “B”, there would be other pregnancy font rules.  I’ll provide a few below but please suggest some more because I’ve never had the opportunity to be pregnant.  I got to watch my wife when she had this charting machine connected to her.  It was so interesting.

I was sitting next to her bed trying to give my best bedside manner but failing miserable.  She had a contraction and as she came out of it, remarked on how bad the contractions were becoming.

I took a very close look at the chart.  I pulled a length of chart tape over to her and explained that a previous contraction was much stronger.

I was not prepared for what I learned next.

Do you know how deep a woman’s fingernail can be embedded into a man’s arm?   I do.

Some pregnancy font rules:
  • The ‘p’ must be used every fifteen words and will randomly just happen mid-sentence.
  • The ‘o’ will dilate as you near the end of the page.
  • Certain words will rise in the morning run to the page border and spill chunks of letters into the border.
  • Other unusual words will be desired and reused for no apparent reason.
  • First names will not stand alone.  When a first name is used it must be followed by a series of other choices.






Unknown Mami

29 comments:

Bearmancartoons said...

At the end of every document with be an aftergirth of letters.

lisleman said...

BearMAN ? were you pregnant once??? wow cartoons are amazing!

Pearl said...

All excellent ideas. :-)

Pearl

lisleman said...

Pearl, thanks you certainly are very good at producing funny material. I've enjoyed your blog for awhile now.

gaelikaa said...

My husband was not allowed to be with me at the time of my deliveries. So I didn't get the opportunity to embed my nails into his arm. In a country where most women I know have their babies by caeserean operation, I had four normal deliveries. Everyone I know in Ireland (I had all my babies in India) has an epidural injection to control the pain, but I didn't have that either. I think I am a rather talented woman in this respect.

OneStonedCrow said...

(insert pregnant pause here) ... jeepers lisleman, you had me worried for a moment when I saw he title of this post in my dashboard ...

... and the moral of the story? ... make sure your partner's nails are well-trimmed before attending the big event ...

Gilz said...

How random....and funny

debbie_suburbsanity said...

With the last baby born around here, I remember squeezing my husband's hand so tightly that I was aware I must be hurting him. I also remember not stopping.

TechnoBabe said...

Do you still have scars from the fingernail event? Yikes.

lisleman said...

no not physical ones. it was a good lesson for me.

lisleman said...

good moral and suggestion

lisleman said...

What is a guy supposed to say to that? Birth is a natural process so maybe you are just a natural at it.

unknownmami said...

You are clever. VEry clever.

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lisleman said...

thanks for coming back and sharing that story.

W.C. Camp said...

You scare me that you know so much about pregnancy? Do you also use Prego spaghetti sauce? W.C.C.

secretagentwoman said...

We have a funny bit of video of me in labor where I am sitting in a rocking chair watching the monitor and say quietly to my husband that another contraction was starting. I was hours into it and they were staring to be very painful (no drugs), so his job was to hold my hand. But no, he stood there filming the monitor and saying. "Wow, that one's really strong!" Then he cuts to my face, and I am giving him the evil eye.

lisleman said...

I think your story and mine are examples of how men and women minds are wired differently.

lisleman said...

You got me on the sauce. Is that used in some part of birthing or what?

secretagentwoman said...

I think its more that men can't begin to imagine what labor and childbirth feel like.

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tinkerbelle86.wordpress.com said...

hehe, this is hilarious, i particularly like the dilating o!

lisleman said...

thanks I consider this one of my better posts.

unknownmami said...

I remember this one. I no longer need a pregnancy font. Now I just use pregnant pauses.

lisleman said...

Oh would that be like strung out commas.
Thanks - I bet your kids are learning to be funny from you.

unknownmami said...

I think you are born with it and they were born with it.

tracismixedbag said...

Funny stuff.

My husband's been home a lot lately (sick) and so he's been commiserating with my sister (who's pregnant) about their similar symptoms. Big belly, lots of water weight, swollen feet, cranky from the heat, cravings. And he started talking to me the other day about Brackston Hicks. What's next, I come home to him reading "What to expect when your expecting." ? ha ha

lisleman said...

Hey that's funny but better than someone who can't relate at all.  I had to look up Braxton Hicks (internet tells me it is spelled that with x) to learn that false contractions are called that.  I guess I'll file this bit of info away for my next baby shower - not. 
Hope your husband get well soon.

Guest said...

My first husband and I had three kids. The first one was the learning
experience for sure. I remember being in the hospital bed and the
contractions were not what I expected, they were so much worse and my then
husband stayed by my side and tried to think of things to say to me and
finally I grabbed his shirt front and yelled at him that that was all his
fault and Never Ever again would I go to bed with him. Ha. I forgot that vow
as soon as I got home with the baby but during the intense birthing process
I was out of my mind.

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