Tuesday, April 09, 2013

drilling up where the sun don't shine

(warning unless you’re in the medical field I suggest skipping this post if you plan to eat soon)

Do you enjoy being tested? How about medically tested?

I don’t suspect many do. The healthcare industry is overly profit focused in my opinion. New tests, new drugs, more TV ads, all to make more profits. My cynicism of the healthcare field is not related to any particular doctor. I have read numerous accounts of the power of the healthcare lobbies. The intent of this post (many of my postings lack intentions) is to share my story involving a now common test. I don’t want debate healthcare but just wanted to provide some background on my mindset (that’s a personal problem, setting my mind down too often) going into this test.

Many of us will strive to find something if we exert the effort to go digging for it. I assumed the doctor would find something and then confront me with options I didn’t want to consider.

Moving on.

I would like to blame/thank my wife for this colonoscopy.

All those out there who have had their colons scoped out, please bend over.

I discovered while being on my required liquid diet that I have more time to browse the internet. It’s best to avoid the kitchen and the sight of solid food. During my non-eating time, I had time to create this fake ad based on “The Most Interesting Man In The World”. During my prep time, I thought about posting it on FB but decided to email to a few family members instead. I don’t think any of them added me to their spam list yet but who knows after that email.

This is not the image I originally posted but matches the topic

PEG 3350 is a vile-tasting watery liquid.

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot is this stuff?

The PEG stands for Polyethylene glycol. My wife told me I would be occupied in the bathroom for a long time so I brought my laptop (I was very careful with it). Since I was going but not going anywhere I utilized my time to research PEG 3350.

A chemical relative, ethylene glycol most common use is antifreeze. It was also used in dynamite. Polyethylene glycol has a variety of medical and commercial uses. One version, PEG-400 is used in inkjet printers. A plasticized version of this stuff can be found in ballistic missile solid rocket fuel.

Rocket fuel, oh yes so appropriate.

This was the physically largest prescription I ever filled. PEG 3350 comes in a 4 liter plastic bottle that could be mistaken for a gallon bottle of water but you would be very sorry you did. You add tap water before use. I’m glad I noticed a tip in the directions about drinking it chilled from the refrigerator. Only downside with the refrigerator suggestion is seeing solid food while retrieving your rocket fuel.

Not sure why but prep directions split the drinking of this colon refreshment into two phases. The second phase was very annoying since it took place at 3 AM. I have not been drinking at 3 AM in a long time.

The actual drilling procedure goes great. I tried to imagine I was invited to a toga party when I was handed my no-dignity gown but it didn’t work. I was surprised by number of people waiting for me at the drill site. I expected about 3, doctor, nurse and anesthesiologist. There were about 6 people gather around (move along people nothing to see here). Later I thought of asking if their smartphones had been turned off. I last remember talking to the anesthesiologist and then waking up wondering where I was.

My BIL sent me the Dave Barry’s report on his colonoscopy (appeared in the Miami Herald 2008). Dave described his prep fluid as goat spit. I told my BIL that just like house painting all the work is in the prep.

My King-of-Road uncle called since my drilling and I mentioned my test. He was quick to realize why my wife scheduled me for the test. He told me that now she knows I’m a perfect a$$hole.

Oh one small polyp was found and removed during the expedition. I’m good to go.
2021 update - I'm finally repeating this awful exploration of my colon in a few weeks. I'm glad I posted this back in 2013 to remind me of the experience.


Cheryl P. said...

I hate medical procedures!!!

Glad your tests came out so well. The alternative is quite scary.

lisleman said...

thanks - Yes I'm very glad not to be dealing with options involving cancer. In my mind I tried to rehearse what I would say/ask if the alternative result came back.

Bee said...

Omg. I've had to have 2 of those done. I think the worst part was the liquid diet! I was asleep for the 2nd colonoscopy, so that wasn't bad. lol

Nita said...

I had this test done a few years back and remember it with great dread. So, I just had to read your take, as I was sure some how you would bring levity to the ordeal. I am happy to say that I was right ... rocket fuel ... well said.

Secret Agent Woman said...

I'm going to delay this one as long as I can.

Tami said...

My son had to have a colonoscopy. He was on the toilet for a very, very, very long time! I felt SO bad for him!
I see your Uncle has the same witty humor as you. ;-)

lisleman said...

I don't suspect I would need to warning you about advice given over the internet. Most advice really needs at least a face to face and probably a professional. Given that caveat, I say yes delay it if you have no reason it suspect any problems. I know of cases where a person was having issues and just took over the counter remedies. Sadly it turned out they had colon cancer which had progress too far and they didn't recover. I don't have any issues and probably would have gone longer before having the test. But hey I'm no professional in this area.

lisleman said...

Yes you really need to setup camp in there. Growing up I figured most all families have this sense of humor. As an adult I learned that humor in families varies quite a lot.

Pat Fortunato said...

Hi, Bill. You may have seen this before, but this is my take on all those damn tests we have to take these days. FYI, Dave Barry wrote that the only good part of having the colonoscopy was that it proved to his wife that his head WASN"T up his ass. http://www.i-cant-believe-im-not-bitter.com/index.php/component/content/article/74/91-the-genie-is-out-of-the-orifice.html

lisleman said...

I had read Dave's line before, funny. Thanks I'll check out your take on this.

Bearman Cartoons said...

Your doctor is mean. Mine told me to get a 64 ounce thing of gatorade and fill it with an entire bottle of laxative. The after effects sucked but it was tasty going down.

lisleman said...

That sounds better. From what I understood I could not add anything but water to the mix. thanks

Lilly said...

Mmm I had one of those a long while back. I think I should be doing it again perhaps. I hate tests of any kind. Full stop.

lisleman said...

I agree I dislike medical testing. "Full stop" - was that a pun because given the subject of the post that's funny.

Featured Post

Feedback can be amazing