Saturday, March 22, 2014

need directions

Going nowhere? Then you don’t need directions. The world is too interesting not to know some geography. Also I know my future lies beyond the yellow brick road. I have the knack for getting from A to B (even B to A) but trying to communicate those details to a another traveler comes with difficulty.

Just pass the big clown on corner, you’ll come to an idiot in the middle with nonstop turn blinkers on. Ignore him. Check your gas gauge because you have about another 100 miles to go and you’ll be passing gas. I mean passing the last gas station. Oh don’t use the restroom there. It’s so bad you may never breathe right again.

Now remember that big oak you saw by the clown? Don’t worry, you do know oak from evergreen right? Three evergreens and an oak tree later you fork. I mean a split in the road. Stay right. Well if you miss it and go left don't worry. You will still get there if you have good shocks and no dentures. 

Now you got gas and the right fork. Correct? Ok, don’t worry about speeding until you blow by big curve warning sign. Slow down because the oncoming traffic likes to ride the center line. If you survive the big curve and you have not been pulled over by Officer Obie you’ll probably make it.  If you are arrested have Obie call me, I haven't talked him in awhile.

Eventually you reach a cemetery (most of us do) and if there’s no funeral going on, take a shortcut through the cemetery. The buried dead are laid out to the horizons but the place is easy to get through, just stay on the straight and narrow. It’s scenic and saves you about 10 miles. If you get the strange feeling your own funeral is going on, then why are you being buried in that cemetery? I didn’t think you were from around these parts.  Snap out it.

Assuming you made it out of the cemetery before dark. Did I mention they close the gates at dusk? Take a right at the road. There is almost always a deep rut on the corner so don’t cut corners there.

Just about a mile or two (maybe 3, my odometer been stuck since 60) you will come upon a big glowing neon pig. Great BBQ. But if you are coming for dinner don’t stop unless you are buying for everyone. If so, I’ll take the pulled pork with extra hot sauce. Be sure to grab plenty of napkins.

OK, just pass the BBQ place after the road drops quickly is a dirt road on the left. Don’t worry just go pass that one. Take the second dirt road on left.  If the road sign is not knocked over (most of the year it is down) you'll notice you are at the corner of Lightning and Thunder.  Thunder is not a bad road when it's dry. Often there are dead armadillos at the corner. Watch out for deer and flooding (if rained of course).

If you happen upon the mail carrier (pink pickup truck can’t miss it) going down that dirt road, you will not be able to pass him being that it’s a one lane road that drops off to a raging river on one side. If he is coming toward you, then he will expect you to backup since he is on official business. No one else uses the road except the teenage drinkers/stoners late at night. So get there before dark but not during mail delivery time.

You will find us at the end of the road assuming you don’t get stuck in the mud.  No doorbell to ring.  We will hear the junkyard dog up the road barking before you reach our property.  Wait for me to come out.  I would not want you getting accidentally shot.  I’ll leave the light on until midnight after that go get a room somewhere and call me in the morning after 10.


lisleman said...

Yes tarantulas have been seen in these parts. thanks

lisleman said...

Or armadillos! Dad, you must have been signed on when you used my computer the other day. I just realized I'm posting as you. I'll sign-off.

lisleman said...

that was weird - I would think they might not let be loggin from two different computers at the same time.

longhollow said...

These almost sound like the directions to my house!

lisleman said...

I was thinking you might be able to relate. thanks

lisleman said...

I've heard real ones that were about this bad. You are right about these being made up. The roads are very crazy in the Ozarks.

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